Improving self-awareness and emotional intelligence takes effort, but the benefits are life-changing. Self-awareness means recognizing our thoughts, feelings, and actions before reacting impulsively. The hard part? It goes against our natural instincts.
First Lesson: Measurement
If you can’t measure it, then:
- You can’t understand it.
- You can’t manage it.
- You can’t improve it.
- You can’t control it.
This comes from Lord Kelvin (1), Edward Demming (2), Peter Drucker (3), and many other management gurus. This has been a principle of good management for thousands of years. The following is for those with a historical bent: Proverbs 27:23-26 from the Bible (4) says:
“Know well the condition of your flocks, and give attention to your herds, for riches do not last forever; and does a crown endure to all generations? When the grass is gone and the new growth appears and the vegetation of the mountains is gathered, the lambs will provide your clothing, and the goats the price of a field.”
Do you know where your sheep are? Are they being taken care of? (Sheep tend to wander, get lost, and get stuck in fences.) Do you understand what your feelings are? Can you pause between a feeling and an impulsive thought or action?
My Old Car Before Self-Awareness
I learned to drive back in the “good old days,” as some fondly call them—perhaps those experiencing senior memory loss. Back then, seatbelts were optional, airbags didn’t exist, and cars were built like tanks. If you crashed, you either got lucky or took a free trip to the ER!
My friends and I took care of our beat-up cars. Our cars were often quite cheap, sometimes even free, and occasionally they actually ran. It was what we could afford. They taught us lessons in mechanics, maintenance, and how to curse when we banged our knuckles.
On junkers, the gauges and other parts often didn’t work. Things would break down at the most inconvenient times. These cars needed maintenance—and lots of it. Sometimes the speedometer cable broke, forcing us to drive slowly through town to avoid attracting police attention and getting tickets for accidentally speeding. At other times, the gas gauge failed, leaving you unsure if a drive in the country would lead to a long, fruitless hike to a service station. On Sundays, that hike would often be all the way home since everything was closed.
My New Car: Lots of Measurements
My newer Toyota is packed with sensors and safety equipment—systems that monitor engine performance, tire pressure, oil levels, and even lane drift alerts (beep, beep, beep). With all these measurements constantly feeding data into the car’s computer, my vehicle has never surprised me with a failure. It simply runs. The only time it visits the shop is for its scheduled checkups.
On my first trip to the grocery store, the lane drift alert kept beeping and beeping. I told my wife there must be something wrong with the car. She laughed so loudly—one of those “I told you so” laughs. For years, I heard, “Stay in your lane!” I didn’t think my driving was that bad until the cursed lane drift alert. I’m much better now—evil beeper.
Personal Self-Awareness and Maintenance
In self-awareness, we recognize and express our feelings and thoughts. Then, we pause before jumping into action and facing deep regret. Just like faulty gauges in our old cars, a lack of self-awareness can lead to more problems. This absence of self-awareness results in unnecessary pain and damage to personal relationships, careers, and even lives.
Developing self-awareness is straightforward but demands effort, especially initially. (Forming new habits takes work.) Learning is never as difficult as enduring pain, destruction, and loss, which the unaware experience.
Our minds and emotions are more complex than any car, yet many people live without an internal dashboard, warning lights, or routine maintenance. They react impulsively, overlook warning signs, and then wonder why their relationships fall apart, their careers stagnate, or their stress levels increase.
Self-awareness is like the computer in my Toyota; it helps us track our emotional states, recognize patterns in our thinking, and adjust before things spiral out of control. We make better choices when we take a moment to acknowledge our emotions and thought processes. This allows us to prevent unnecessary conflicts, avoid burnout, and steer clear of destructive habits.
Know the condition of your mind, body, and spirit; know the condition of your flocks. Baa, baa.
Oops! As a Life Strategy
When self-awareness is lacking, people often find themselves in trouble—sometimes in painfully avoidable ways. Here are some real-world examples. True confession: I’ve been there and done that. Ouch!
Speaking Without Thinking
I have ADHD, which means impulsivity comes naturally. But even those without ADHD have moments where they speak before thinking—and regret it instantly. The following is a story from Alex, my digital assistant (ChatGPT). I have seen people do this in business settings with the same disastrous results.
Created by Alex: There I was, sitting in a tense staff meeting, doodling in my notebook, when my boss made another one of his “brilliant” suggestions. Without thinking, I muttered, “Oh great, another genius idea.” Silence fell. Every eye in the room turned to me. My boss’s expression hardened, and I realized—too late—that my internal monologue had slipped into external dialogue. That moment taught me a painful lesson about self-awareness.
Self-aware individuals recognize that words carry weight, particularly in professional environments. They cultivate the practice of pausing before speaking, reflecting on both their intent and how their words may be perceived. This enables them to reshape their thoughts, ensuring their message is helpful rather than hurtful.
For example, instead of making a sarcastic remark, a self-aware employee might opt to express their concerns diplomatically without harming relationships or career prospects. Additionally, they stay aware of their emotional state. If frustration or stress influences their words, they acknowledge it and wait until they can communicate more effectively.
Overcommitting and Burning Out
Another story from Alex: The emails piled up, the calendar reminders pinged nonstop, and my to-do list stretched into next week. Yet, when someone asked, “Can you take on one more project?” I still replied, “Sure, happy to help!” I convinced myself I could manage it—until I couldn’t. Deadlines slipped, texts went unanswered, and guilt set in. The worst part? Seeing the disappointment in the faces of those I had promised to help. That day I finally admitted that I had taken on too much, and everyone was paying the price.
I’ve been there far too often. As a premier, unaware people pleaser, I always said “yes” when I should have said “no” or “later.” I have let a lot of people down. My own family frequently suffered under my constant complaining. “Just say no!” Paraphrasing a family member who modeled for me a healthy outlook on overcommitment:
“If you put too many irons in the fire, the fire goes out. After that, you’re free to toss in all the irons you want—no heat, no pressure, no problem.”
Ignoring Emotional Reactions
A final Alex story:
The day had been brutal—one crisis after another, a never-ending stream of problems. By the time I got home, I felt exhausted and on edge. When my wife innocently asked about dinner, I snapped, “I don’t know, why do I have to decide everything?” Her expression fell. The moment hung in the air, heavier than my words. I wasn’t mad at her—I was mad at the day. But that didn’t change the damage I had just caused.
Ouch. This one is very close to home. As a child, my father had a very high stress job in the medical field. He worked ten or so hours per day and even a few hours on Sunday. He got tired, exhausted, and beyond.
In those days, patients, hospitals, clinics, and anyone would call up wanting medical help, medical advice, even stopping by the house. Dad could not say no to any of these.
When stress levels were so high that even Superman would have buckled, he took to screaming and yelling, ripping the phone off the wall, even shattering glass by slamming doors in anger. Of course, we kids were the audience for this, not those who deserved this wrath.
Takeaway: Our First Measures as Feelings and Thoughts
These are some things I remind myself of when an intense feeling or thought tries to hijack me into impulsive and regrettable actions.
- It is a feeling, not a command or a call to action.
- It’s a feeling—something real and significant—but not the truth.
- Stop, look, and listen; learn what this strong feeling or thought represents. Pause.
Initially, intense emotions create strong urges to respond right away. These urges may persist indefinitely. However, as we cultivate self-awareness and learn to pause between our intense feelings and our actions, our lives improve.
Next: The First Technique—Control or No Control?
But what occurs when life presents us with situations beyond our control? Many of us waste energy worrying, battling, or feeling frustrated over things we cannot change. In the upcoming blog, we’ll explore a straightforward yet powerful technique: recognizing what is within our control and what isn’t. This shift in mindset, first taught by the Stoic philosopher Epictetus (5), can change how we manage stress, relationships, and decision-making. Stay tuned as we delve into practical examples and strategies for mastering this skill in our everyday lives.
References
(1) Thomson, William (Lord Kelvin). “Electrical Units of Measurement.” In Popular Lectures and Addresses, Vol. 1, 73. London: Macmillan, 1889.
(2) Deming, W. Edwards. Out of the Crisis. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 1986.
(3) Drucker, Peter F. The Practice of Management. New York: Harper & Row, 1954.
(4) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.
(5) Epictetus. Discourses, Fragments, Handbook. Translated by Robin Hard. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2014.
Alex, my digital assistant (ChatGPT). OpenAI. ChatGPT (February 2025 version).San Francisco, CA: OpenAI, 2025. https://chat.openai.com.
AI Assistance Statement:
Approximately two-thirds of this text was written by me, with the remaining third drawn from ChatGPT sessions over the past year. Some sections have been rewritten and compressed by ChatGPT for clarity and readability. Additionally, all content has been reviewed and refined using the Grammarly editor to ensure grammatical accuracy and coherence.